One Hot Minute

I honestly can't remember the last time I changed my socks...Why stop now??

Oh. see what not going out does to me?
It makes me a super sweet dirt, that's what it does!
Although, I have been showering more now than when I was in school.
This doesn't make sense.
I bought high heels!
I just can't walk in them yet.
But when I learn.
Oh when I learn.
You just wait.

Since the christmas break, i've realised that I only have 2 friends, and one of them is my boy companion. I know I don't only have 2 friends, but I have 2 real friends.
Freinds that share how they feel.
Friends that tell me what's really up when I can tell something is wrong.
Friends who actually make the effort to hang out with me, instead of just verbal offerings.
Friends who need me in their lives.
Friends who want me in their lives.
Friends that are always there for me.
Friends that give me my space when I need it.
Friends that don't give me my space when I don't need it.
These two friends of mine are quite obvious.
I'm just so fucking sick of people telling me we're good friends, yet I barely know them. Good friends know each other. I thought that was a given. I guess you didn't.
I dearly love the two actual friends I have. I can tell them both anything, and if I ever need to vent about one friend, I can do it to the other and they either tell me I'm right, or punch my head and tell me I'm being irrational. Come to think of it, I've never had to complain about one of the two. I'm going to give you a hint by saying the one I never have to complain about is a girl;) hehe I'm bad. Badass. Assbad.
Anyways, I'm done for now. When something else bothers me i'll post again.


*Ain't nothing I won't do
All and everything for you
Your love is all I know and ever knew
Therefore, I have sold my soul to you*

im so sick of all this bullshit thats going on. first of all, yes my grammar is going to suck in this because tyler's keyboard is sucky and the shift key doesnt work.
you are always complaining about how much you hate drama, but thats all you create for yourself. if you were in a world without drama, youd be fucking lost and dont deny it. how fucking stupid and paranoid do you have to be?
oh, i think my ex boyfriend likes my friend because they hang out
EX BOYFRIEND. hence the word ex before the word boyfriend. chances are, if you are dating someone who goes to your school and then you guys break up, there is a great probability that they will soon be seeing a friend of yours. stop fucking caring. it doesnt matter how long youve been dating, if you guys are going to break up over an asinini fucking reason, then chances are youre not going to be together for the rest of your life and have a storybook wedding, life, and family. couples break up. youre not the only one going through this. now im not saying i wouldnt be sad if my boyfriend and i broke up, i know its upsetting, but there are some things in life you just have to let pass by, some things you just have to get over with. PARANOIA CAUSES PROBLEMS IN RELATIONSHIPS. so does jealous. and well, relationships cause problems with relationships. you're 16/17/18. dont expect to be with this person for the rest of your fucking life. youre young, you dont need to worry about settling down now.

This is just part one of my session today. if i went further id explode out of frustration, and frankly, that would suck.

In This River All Shall Fade To Black.
In This River Ain't No Coming Back.

♥

Things are...weird lately. I really don't know what to think of everything that is going on.
I'm going to start off avec [with:)] friends.
I've been so distant from you lately. I don't know why I am doing this, it's really not like I mean to, but somehow, I am. I apologize for this. I have what, 4 good friends? 4 people I trust? 4 people i'd do anything for? These friends--of course--are definitely the best thing that have ever happened to me.
Lacie: Ohmy. I don't even know where to begin. I've told you endless times how much you mean to me, but I really don't think I can get sick of telling you. You're are by far the best thing that has ever happened to me. I know we haven't been friends for all our lives or something crazy like that, but these 2 years have seemed like eternity. [not in the bad sense. The good one!] We've been through so much together these past couple of years, and It amazes me how you stuck by my side through the entire time. When I was sad, you were the one that could make me smile, and when I was happy, well you just made me smile even more. You've given me advice that has helped me through so much, and I really don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met you. I love you so much, and please please please please don't ever forget that. Please don't forget me when you go to OHS. I couldn't handle not having you in my life anymore.
Chelsey/Jayde/Melissa: I grouped you three together because everything that has happened, all three of us usually went through it together. Well, not everything, but all of you have always been there for me when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and I really hope you guys know I'm always here for you. I never really realised how much I needed you guys until the incident of Emily's death last summer. We all took it really hard, and we were all here for each other when it happened. I have always loved you guys, but last summer made me realise who my real friends really are. I can't thank you guys enough for being there for me. I would not have made it through the summer and going without the support of three wonderful people such as yourselves. You guys are always there for me when i'm feeling down, and you always know how to cheer me up and make me giggle. I love you guys more than anything. Don't ever doubt that. Ever.

Things with tyler lately are..weird as well. I'm so happy with this boy. So happy, yet so unhappy. I'm not unhappy when i'm with him, he's been so nice to me lately. It's made me realise I Don't deserve such a wonderful guy like him, but i'm so glad we're still together. It's hard only being able to see him once a week, if even. I know, I've heard it "lots of people have long distance relationships, or relationships where they don't see their boyfriend/girlfriend often." But you know what? I'm not everyone else. I handle things differently, and this is just one thing I hav trouble handling. I love this boy so much. I Just wish I could see him more.

School has been FUCKED lately. I gotta start trying again. Start doing my homework, start paying attention in class. My marks have gone down dramatically, and that's another reason why i've been so down lately. I can't handle this. I just can't wait for school to be over.

I really need to post more often. Especially now that purerave is being a bastard. I bought the new Alexisonfire CD last night. And deoderant. But that's less important. So, Tyler and I were supposed to go to the market this morning..appariently he'd rather work though. He told me he feels bad, but if he felt that bad he would've called back. Now our weekend plans are ruined. Now my weekend is ruined. He's my only hope for happiness, yet he's the only source for me being unhappy. Funny how things work out that way.

I don't know what to do anymore.
I love him more than I could ever even imagine loving someone.
He doesn't show his love back.
If there is any at all.

This is too hard.
I miss her too much.
I love you
But I hate you for doing this
I hate you for yelling at me, saying I don't try to fix things
And when I do, you give up
You don't care that I'm not going to be there anymore.
You don't care that I've cried myself to sleep these past couple days.
You don't care I lost not only 1 best friend, but 2.
Of course he's going to be on your side.
Mine and his 3 year friendship means nothing if you're the one displeased.
If you want things your way.
I'm sorry I can't be fucking perfect.
I'm sorry you can't be fuking perfect.
I'm sorry I ever doubted our friendship
Because realistically,
I knew this would happen all along.
I just didn't think youd\'d be so low to do it without reason.
Without thought.
Without Empathy.

I've been writing a lot on guitar lately. I even recorded a riff. Weird.

I'm a failure when it comes to school. It's like..the third week and I've basically given up.

I'm too stressed. Someone massage me;)

seriously though...

I think I may as well come back.
It's weird but I kind of miss it here.
Does that make me lonely?
I Thought so.
Sooo....well....Mama's back guys!